Starting childcare — whether nursery, a childminder, or another setting — is one of the significant transitions of early childhood, and the settling-in period can be emotionally challenging for children and parents alike. Drop-off distress is real, and watching a child cry as a parent leaves is one of the most difficult aspects of returning to work for many parents. Understanding what is happening developmentally, how to support a child through the transition, and what good settling-in practice looks like helps parents approach this period with more confidence and less guilt.
Healthbooq supports parents through the major transitions of early parenthood, including starting childcare, with evidence-based guidance on how children adjust and what parents can do to support them.
What Settling In Involves
Settling into childcare is the process by which a child — who has, up to this point, spent most of their time with familiar caregivers in a familiar environment — comes to feel safe and secure in a new environment with new carers. For a child under three, this is a significant cognitive and emotional adjustment. It requires the child to form new attachment relationships (or at least familiarity and trust) with the childcare workers, to map a new physical environment, and to develop the confidence that a departing parent will return.
The developmental context is important: separation anxiety is at its most intense in the period from approximately eight months to two to three years. This is not a coincidence — it reflects the development of object permanence (the understanding that objects and people continue to exist when absent) combined with a still-immature understanding of time and the absence of language to process and predict the parent's return. Drop-off distress at its peak coincides with the period when most children first start childcare.
The Settling-In Process
Best practice in settling-in involves a graduated introduction to the new setting over several sessions before the full-time or regular start date. The typical process involves the parent and child visiting together, then the parent leaving briefly and returning, then gradually increasing the length of time the child is in the setting without the parent. This graduated process allows the child to discover — experientially — that the environment is safe, that the parent returns, and that the setting can meet their needs.
The number of settling-in sessions varies by setting and by child; some children settle within two to three sessions, others need more. The process should be paced by the child's responses rather than by a rigid timetable. It is usually worth asking the childcare provider how many settling-in sessions they provide and whether additional sessions are possible if needed.
The Key Person
In nurseries and childminder settings, the key person (or key worker) approach involves designating a specific member of staff as the primary carer for a small group of children. The key person is responsible for understanding and meeting the individual child's needs, communicating regularly with parents, and forming the attachment relationship that gives the child their secure base in the setting.
For children under three, the key person relationship is not simply a nice feature of good practice — it is the primary mechanism through which the child feels safe enough to explore, play, and learn in the new environment. Ask at any setting you are considering who will be your child's key person, what experience they have with very young children, and how the handover is managed if the key person is absent.
The Farewell Routine
The farewell at drop-off matters significantly. Research and clinical consensus support several principles: the goodbye should be warm, brief, and consistent. The parent should tell the child they are leaving, say goodbye positively and confidently, and then leave — not linger, not sneak away, and not repeatedly return because the child is distressed. Sneaking away confuses the child and erodes trust; lingering prolongs and intensifies distress. The child who is crying at drop-off, in the great majority of cases, settles within minutes of the parent leaving — a reality that is much easier to accept if the keyworker confirms it to the parent (via a message or photo).
Developing a consistent farewell routine — the same words, the same sequence, the same brief hug — gives the child a predictable signal that the departure is happening and that it will unfold as it always does. Consistency reduces uncertainty and helps the child develop a mental schema for the transition.
Normal vs Prolonged Distress
For most children, drop-off distress peaks within the first few weeks of starting childcare and then diminishes as the child develops trust in the new environment and the adults within it. A child who is genuinely distressed throughout sessions — not just at drop-off — who shows regression at home (sleep problems, feeding difficulties, clinginess), or whose distress does not reduce over four to six weeks warrants a conversation with the childcare provider about whether the settling-in needs to be revisited.
A small number of children need more time, a different approach, or (in some cases) a different setting before they settle comfortably.
Key Takeaways
Settling into childcare is a genuine adjustment for both child and parent, not a problem to be minimised. A well-managed settling-in process — with graduated introduction, a consistent farewell routine, and trust in the childcare provider — significantly eases the transition. Separation distress at drop-off is normal, expected, and does not predict harm; most children settle within minutes of a parent leaving. The key person approach in nurseries provides a designated carer who forms the attachment relationship with a specific child, which is the primary support for children during this transition. Supporting the child well through this transition lays foundations for future transitions.
