Being told by the daycare that your child has been hitting other children is uncomfortable for most parents, and it can trigger strong reactions — embarrassment, concern, frustration. The most effective response is practical rather than emotional: focusing on understanding what is driving the behaviour and what conditions would reduce it.
Healthbooq supports families in managing behaviour challenges in early childhood.
First: Understand the Context
Before deciding on a response, gather information:
- How frequent is it? One incident is developmentally unremarkable. A daily pattern is a different situation.
- What precedes it? Most hitting follows identifiable triggers: specific resource competition, specific children, transitions, tiredness. Does the setting know the pattern?
- What is the child's language level? A child with limited expressive language is more likely to communicate through physical action.
- Is the child going through adaptation stress? Hitting often increases during high-stress periods (starting daycare, family change) and decreases as the situation stabilises.
What to Do at Home
Stay calm in your response. A parent who reacts to news of hitting with visible distress, shame, or anger communicates that the child has done something serious in a way that may amplify rather than reduce the behaviour.
Have a brief, clear conversation. For children with language (roughly 2+): "I heard that you hit [child] today. Hitting hurts. What happened?" Explore the trigger, name the impact, ask about alternatives. Keep it brief — extended conversations about a single incident are rarely productive.
Practise alternative language. "My turn," "Stop," "I don't like that" — simple phrases that replace the physical communication. Practise these in calm, play-based contexts, not just in response to incidents.
Ensure adequate sleep. Tired children have significantly less impulse control. A child who is chronically under-slept will hit more. Ensuring adequate sleep is a practical aggression-reduction strategy.
Avoid physical punishment. Hitting a child for hitting demonstrates the very behaviour you are trying to reduce, and is both ineffective and harmful.
Working With the Setting
Have a collaborative conversation with the key person. Share what you know about the triggers from home. Ask what they have observed about the pattern. Establish what approach the setting is using and whether this is consistent.
Ask about the trigger environment. Are there sufficient copies of attractive resources? Is the space managed in ways that reduce competition and crowding? Are transitions well-supported?
Agree a consistent approach. A child who receives different responses to the same behaviour at home and in the setting is harder to support. Where possible, the home and setting should agree on a consistent, calm, non-punitive approach.
Track the pattern. If the setting is willing, brief daily notes on when incidents happen and what preceded them can identify patterns that allow prevention rather than just response.
When to Seek Additional Support
Most toddler hitting resolves as language development progresses and regulation matures — typically by 3–4 years. Indicators that warrant a conversation with a health visitor, GP, or developmental professional:
- The pattern is increasing rather than decreasing with age and time
- The severity is consistently high (causing injury)
- The hitting appears disconnected from identifiable triggers (seemingly random)
- The child shows significant emotional dysregulation alongside the hitting
- The child is not making language progress that would be expected to support reduction in physical communication
Key Takeaways
When a child is hitting or being physically aggressive at daycare, the response that is most effective combines: immediate calm consequences at the time of the incident, exploration of the pattern and triggers, active language development support, and working collaboratively with the setting. Punitive responses are both less effective and developmentally inappropriate for toddlers.
