Parenthood is presented in most culture as a transformation that happens to the baby. The parent, meanwhile, is expected to smoothly slot into the new role, running on love and instinct, finding it natural and fulfilling. The reality for many new parents is considerably more complicated. The person looking back from the mirror is recognisably themselves but changed in ways that feel disorienting and are rarely discussed.
There is a word for this, borrowed from anthropology and developed clinically in recent years: matrescence. Understanding that what is happening is a named, expected developmental process rather than a personal failure makes it significantly easier to bear.
Healthbooq (healthbooq.com) covers parental wellbeing through the early years alongside the practical and developmental content about babies and children.
Matrescence and Patrescence
Dana Raphael, an anthropologist, coined the term matrescence in the 1970s to describe the process of becoming a mother. It is modelled on adolescence: another major developmental transition involving hormonal upheaval, identity change, and shifts in how others see and relate to you. Alexandra Sacks, a psychiatrist, developed and popularised the concept clinically in the 2010s.
The core idea is that becoming a parent is not an event but a process, and that process involves real psychological work. A new mother is not just caring for a baby; she is also becoming a different version of herself, and those two processes happen simultaneously under conditions of extreme sleep deprivation, physical recovery, and often social isolation.
Patrescence, the parallel process for fathers and other partners, has received less attention in the literature but is increasingly recognised. Partners who take on primary caring roles experience their own version of this identity shift. Those who do not are still affected: their relationship changes, their daily life changes, their sense of self in relation to their partner changes.
What It Actually Feels Like
The identity shift of new parenthood involves a specific set of experiences that many parents find difficult to articulate, partly because there is no ready vocabulary for them and partly because they conflict with the cultural script.
Ambivalence. The simultaneous experience of love and resentment, joy and longing. Loving the baby intensely and also resenting what the baby has done to your sleep, your body, your relationship, your career. These feelings coexist in many parents and are normal. Feeling them does not mean the parent is bad or that they do not love their child.
Grief for the pre-baby self. Grieving who you were, what your relationship was like, how you spent your time, who your friends were. This grief is not about regretting the baby. It is about the fact that something real has been given up. Acknowledging this, rather than dismissing it, is healthier.
Loss of identity markers. Many things that defined a person before having a baby become inaccessible or simply stop existing: the job, the social life, the creative projects, the uninterrupted sleep, the ability to eat a meal while it is hot. The person who had those things is still there but cannot access them in the same way. This is disorientating.
Changed relationships. Friendships often shift significantly after a baby. People without children may find it harder to relate; people with older children sometimes forget what the early months are actually like. The relationship with a partner changes significantly, in ways that are often not anticipated.
Why It is Poorly Acknowledged
The postnatal period is culturally focused on the baby. Antenatal education, healthcare appointments, family attention, and social media content are heavily weighted toward the infant. The mother's psychological experience, beyond the screening tools for postnatal depression and anxiety, receives relatively little structured attention.
There is also a pressure to perform positive emotions. New parenthood is supposed to be a happy time. Admitting to ambivalence, grief, or a sense of loss feels ungrateful or dangerous, as if expressing these feelings might mean the authorities are called or the partner becomes concerned. This silencing makes the experience more isolating.
The clinical focus on postnatal depression and anxiety has improved recognition of mental health problems, which is valuable. But it has also created a binary: either you are fine, or you have a diagnosable condition. The identity upheaval of matrescence sits in between, affecting many parents who would not meet diagnostic criteria for anything but who are genuinely struggling with a profound personal change.
What Helps
Naming it helps. Knowing that what is happening is a recognised developmental process, not a personal failing, is itself useful. Reading about matrescence, finding other parents who are willing to talk honestly about it, and hearing that ambivalence is normal reduces the shame that accumulates around these feelings.
Not performing. Allowing yourself to not feel consistently radiant about new parenthood, at least in spaces where honesty is safe, is healthier than sustained pretence.
Identity continuity. Finding ways to maintain at least some threads of the pre-baby self, however small, helps. A run, a project, a friendship maintained, a professional interest kept alive, even in reduced form. The goal is not to act as if nothing has changed but to avoid a complete rupture with the self that existed before.
Couples who can talk honestly about how they are both experiencing the transition do better than those who cannot. This requires both people to be willing to hear something uncomfortable. Professional support, whether couples therapy or individual talking therapy, is useful for many parents navigating this and does not require a crisis to justify.
Key Takeaways
The transition to parenthood involves a profound identity shift that is poorly acknowledged in mainstream culture, which tends to focus almost entirely on the baby rather than the parent experiencing a major life transformation. The term matrescence, coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and developed clinically by psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks, describes the developmental process mothers go through when becoming a parent. A parallel process, patrescence, applies to fathers and other parents. This identity shift involves real psychological upheaval, including ambivalence, grief for the pre-baby self, and changed relationships. These feelings are not symptoms of a problem but a normal part of a significant life transition.
